How shocked I was at that evening, when I got home my only child made me mad with her, Diva. There are broken plates everywhere. Yet rice which were in the pan spilled up scattered all over the floor.
“Oh my God, Diva! What have you done??” I yelled at her. She just shocked and kept silent. Little by little tears dropped from her cute eyes.
My seven years old daughter was often to make me angry with her. There were broken plates, clothes discharged from the wardrobe, and there were trashes which were scattered papers everytime I back home. It goes without saying I’d beaten her up when she did it too much. In the other hand, all she could do were just whining and groaning in pain, without screaming for help. It wasn’t because she couldn’t do it, it because she couldn’t.
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My parents were shocked when they know that I was pregnant before I got married. I had knocked up by my boyfriend, yet he was not willing to take responsibility of what he had done to me and left me without mercy. As the time passed, my parents couldn’t stand the shame I did. I was no longer acknowledged as their daughter then. They drove me out of my house. I was disappointed back then. I cursed thus illegitimate child I carried. It was the beginning of my hatred of it.
After my eviction from my house, I stayed in a small boarding house which I paid the rent by my salary on laundry. And along my pregnancy, I always tried to abort my pregnancy. I did everything, I drank some drugs and I often hit my belly. But my neighbor never knew if I got pregnant before marriage, it because I always told them that I husband had passed away when I was pregnant for few months. But anything I did to kill this fetus, God had another plan for me. And this fetus was born to the world. But its physical condition was beyond my imagination its right leg was shorter than the left. My child was born with deformity.
I was shy to have an illegitimate child which had deformity. Even though no one knew about it, I was still sick of this child. Yet, I took care of her. Her growing was normal until the day I knew there was abnormality in her. Beside her right leg grown abnormally, my daughter couldn’t say a thing when other children in the same age as her could speak fluently. I knew my daughter was mute back then. Sometime I felt disappointed to give her birth and I thought I should had killed her when she was born.
When she was six years old, I assigned Diva to an elementary school around this town. Although her study wasn’t bad enough yet I still couldn’t accept her as my daughter. Maybe it was because of the traumatic accident I had in the past. I felt so because of this child I evicted from my home. And I have to struggle to earn money just for this child. I was even too shy to come to her school to attend the meeting among the teachers and the students’ parents.
I got back from work at 4 PM every day. I hoped I could find peace when I was at home, yet I couldn’t believe what I saw then. The bathroom was flooded by the water from the water tap which was forgotten to be closed by Diva.
“Diva, what the hell is this?” I yelled as loud as I could. Then I looked for her in bedroom, but it was empty. And I tried to search for her at the back yard, and no result.
“Diva, where are you?!” I yelled louder than before, yet she didn’t show up. Then I decided to find her in neighbor’s house. And she was there, playing. I pulled her forcefully without thinking. I didn’t care about what the neighbor’s said. My rage ate me then. When we’re home, I beaten her up, then I locked her in the flooded bathroom. She tried to get free, but her strength was nothing compared t mine. I saw her whimpering and cried. She might cursed me and screamed for help if she could speak.
When I satisfied to pour my rage onto her I laid on my bed, I didn’t know it was because I’d mad or tired of work then I fell asleep. I woke up at 6.30 PM.
“God, I haven’t cleaned the house.” I got up immediately from the bed and started to clean up. That was the first time my house so messed up. The kitchen was dirty and there were scattered paper of my daughter’s books all over the floor. I bought her and then she just ripped them. I collected the papers one by one and there were my daughter’s writing. I appeared to be interested of what my daughter’s had written on them. Then I opened one of the papers I collected. And I couldn’t believe of what I read. An unarranged note which was wrote by a deformed mute elementary schools student.
Mom, forgive me if I was naughty all the time
I also sorry that I always make you disappointed of how I looked like
But mom, please don’t beat me up. I promise that I won’t be a bad child and I’ll obey you
Mom, I always wish to speak to you. Mom
But everytime I try to speak up, I feel pain all over my head
Mom, I wish the God allow me to speak
There is something I want to tell you so much
How much I love you
Diva.
\All of the sudden, it felt if there was a space block my throat after I read the note. I felt there are torn in my heart. Then my tears drop without I could hold it, it flowed like waterfall made my cheek wet.
“Diva, where are you, Diva? I realized and looked for her. I just remembered that I locked her in the bathroom few hours ago.
“DIVA….!!” I yelled as loud as I could, all my neighbors flocked and turned to my house. I weakly flopped in the bathroom seeing my only child unconscious. Her face was so pale, and her body was so cold. Then I realized that I had treated her cruelly. I knew that all of it happened was nothing to do with Diva, even to blame her of it. And there was something I could trust now. She might be deformed, she might be mute, but I believed that she could speak. She could speak by her heart. Not even a single word, but thousands of words.
At the hospital, Diva was directly treated in the intensive care unit. I waited outside. Second by second passed into minutes, and minutes run into hours. And the room was opened, a doctor appeared.
“Doctor, how is my daughter, is she alright?” I chased the doctor with questions, my tears wet my face continuously, but the doctor didn’t say a word.
“What happened, doctor? Please, answer me!!” I hold the doctor’s arms, hoping he would answer me that could comfort me. But he was just shaking his head and sighing. I lost my power. My tears flooded my cheeks
“Forgive me, Diva.” then I lost my consciousness.
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When I gain my consciousness, I realize that I am not in my room. This is a small room with grated-door. I don’t know how long I have been here. I can’t memorize the dates, months, or years. All I know is the time felt so long. A woman dressed like a nurse or a nurse opens the grate locked me and take me out of the room. I see many people behave strangely. Some of them shake their body, some are acting like statue, and some are screaming without any reason. And I realize that I become the part of them.
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